An immovable tradition

“The habit quickly morphed into an immovable tradition, with Ken joking that a school-style written note of absence is necessary for anyone who dares bail without good reason, although one member of the group is legitimately absent this week due to a holiday.” (David Spereall, BBC Yorkshire, The Mates Who Have Met for a Pint Every Thursday for 56 Years)

This is a short excerpt from an article about a group of men who have met together weekly for 56 years. The phrase that really captured me in the quote above is the fact that these men (who are now in their 80s) have had an “immovable tradition” for that long. And it is that immovable tradition that has cultivated what must be (aside from their spouses) the most significant relationships they have.

I enjoyed reading the article but I have to be honest; I found myself feeling exposed and maybe even a little jealous. I wished that I had those types of relationships in my life. The reality is that I find myself in my mid-50s not really having any friends. Sure, I know a lot of people that I’m friendly with and I enjoy their company when I see them but there isn’t anyone who is my default, “let’s go hang out and grab a meal or go for a hike” type of guy. And I don’t have anyone like that reaching out to me. Back in the day when my kids were younger and we were always so busy as a family with the kids’ activities, I didn’t really notice it. But, now that the kids are older and pursuing their own interests independently from us, I’ve been faced with the stark reality that I haven’t really cultivated any friendships over the past 20 years.

I need to consider what I do about that. I’ve tried reaching out to a couple guys in the neighborhood over the past year to connect for coffee or to grab some food. They seemed open to the idea but the thing I run up against is that most people already have their groups established and it’s difficult to break through the established circle of friends. At this point, my only social outlet is as a couple with my wife. I certainly don’t mind that and the couples we get together with all enjoy each other. But, while the ladies have deep connections and spend lots of time together, we guys only connect when the wives pull us together. We never get together just us guys.

But, I can’t feel too sorry for myself. Because as I take stock, I have to acknowledge that I do have my own immovable tradition. For the past 18 years, I’ve connected with a friend for coffee every week. Well, almost every week. Sometimes travel and work schedules or the occasional illness get in the way. Over the years we’ve met on different days, at different times, and at different locations. Currently, we meet every Friday at 8:30 a.m. at our local coffee shop. It’s something I look forward to as it’s one of my only outlets for true connection. An opportunity to get out of the house (a nice break for someone who works from home), enjoy a good cup of coffee, have interesting and sometimes challenging conversations, and at the end I leave for home feeling known. For now, maybe that’s good enough.

Weeknote: 2025.02

Work

Monday was my first day back “in the office” since December 20th. It’s the first time in a long time (ever?) that I’ve taken off a full two weeks during the Christmas and New Year holidays. Given that I was sick that entire time and rather than using that time to recharge it was spent recovering, I wasn’t really looking forward to returning to work. But, I spent time last Sunday evening reviewing my calendar for the week ahead to set expectations and make a decision to enter into Monday optimistic and ready to start the year off strong.

In an ideal world I would have ensured my first few days of the week were not quite as meeting-heavy as they were. It would have been nice to have a more gradual ramp back into the work grind but it was not to be. There was no time to gradually get up to speed to safely merge. I had to get from zero to sixty immediately.

Much of the first half of the week was spent doing some internal and external interviews to bolster some research we are doing in support of a new strategic initiative. I also wanted to spend some one-on-one time with the team members that I support to catch up on their holidays, wish them a happy new year, and align on the performance review process that is kicking off. I started working on a couple of personal deliverables I need to complete before the end of the month. In particular, I drafted an update I will present to our executive leadership team later this month. In addition to establishing the structure and outlining the story I want to tell, I also identified all of the data and other inputs I’ll need to complete the slide deck.

I also spent some time with my manager reviewing all the things currently on my plate and seeking some guidance on how best to balance both the individual contributor responsibilities on my plate in addition to my people management responsibilities. I seem to have become the default assignee for all the special projects my boss’s boss spins up and I’m now at the point where something has to give. I’m not able to effectively move them all forward given my current capacity and the last thing I want is for the team members I support to suffer.

Personal

Although I started feeling relatively better this week, I’m still not sleeping well. Despite my efforts to consistently implement good sleep hygiene habits, I’ve had a terrible time falling and staying, asleep. My wife’s hypothesis is that it’s stress related and I don’t necessarily doubt her. I was very intentional this week to wake up and go to bed at the same time each night. I also ensured I exercised each day. I managed my caffeine, water, and food intake. After heading to bed, I didn’t have any screen time. I just read my book. If I found my mind and/or heart racing, I practiced breathing exercises and prayed. Still, I struggled with managing more than four hours of sleep each night. And I had to fight hard for that four hours. There are a couple of environmental things I’m going to try (seeing if I can make my room a little cooler and darker) as well as some supplementation I might experiment with but I may just need to head to the doctor soon.

I’m still getting used to this new season of parenting. Just because all my kids are all adults now (18, 20, 22), there is still parenting happening. It’s just different. And I’m still getting used to it. They are all in different stages of work, school, and pursuing careers but they are all living at home still. It seems like that will be changing soon with two of them on track to transfer to other universities in the fall but in the meantime, I’ve trying to encourage them to take advantage of the time they have at home. A time to stretch, grow, try, and fail while they have the safety net we’re able to provide them while they are still under our roof.

My son returned this week after spending the last week+ visiting friends on the East Coast. There were some things I wanted to catch up on so I invited him to grab a beer with me on Wednesday. Although he’s 22 years old now, I think it’s the first time just the two of us have sat across the table from one another, enjoyed a cold beverage together, and just talked about things going on in his life. I enjoyed that. I’ve learned that he’s much more receptive to substantive conversations if we’re out of the house and doing something together (i.e., hiking, shooting hoops, etc…).

I’m embarrassed to admit this but one of the “exciting” things that happened this week is we got our Litter Robot delivered. This was a purchase I avoided for a couple of years now but I finally pulled the trigger. With three cats in the house and me being the only person who works from home, I end up scooping cat boxes way more than I would prefer. Especially when the cats really belong to my girls. So, rather than continue to gripe about being the only one who keeps the boxes clean or continue pestering my girls to clean the boxes, I decided it was an investment in my own sanity. The verdict is still out on whether it will meet my expectations. One cat took to it right away, one cat is still a little leery of it, and the other doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

Exercise

I was still not feeling 100% this week but I wanted to make sure I at least spent a little time moving each day. Most of my exercise this week was on the stationary bike but I also got a little walking in as well. Due to my taking a step backward with my health, Friday and Saturday were both inactive days.

  • 🚴🏽‍♂️ Bike = 21.5 miles, 1h 18m
  • 🚶🏻‍♂️ Walk = 7 miles, 1h 40m

📷 In addition to the exercise and fresh air, the best thing about my walk was this view:

Media

📚 I’m currently reading The Confident Mind by Nate Zinsser. Zinsser is the Director of West Point’s Performance Psychology Program and has worked with collegiate, professional, and Olympic athletes in addition to military and business leaders. I’ve enjoyed learning more about the research and data that demonstrates the correlation between what/how we think and how we perform. It’s especially interesting learning about the relationship between our thoughts and the physiological responses elicited by them.

🍿 I watched Carry On, Mississippi Burning, 1917, and Don’t Die: The Man Who Wants to Live Forever.

Things I’m looking forward to next week

  • 😴 Sleeping and feeling better
  • 🏋🏼‍♂️ Remaining consistent with exercise habits
  • 🎂 Celebrating my mom’s birthday
  • 📺 Season 2 of Severance
  • 😉 Doing a more concise, summarized, bullet point weeknote

Learning something new in 2025

New Year’s Day was mostly a quiet, lazy one for me—nothing special, just some time to relax. But I did manage to do something that feels a little bit monumental: I signed up for a Drawing for Beginners class at the local college. It’s one of their Continuing & Community Education classes, which means it’s low-stakes and open to anyone who just wants to learn something new.

Now, here’s the thing: this is not something I would have done for myself in the past. For most of my life, I’ve been the guy behind the scenes—the husband, the dad, the one who holds down the fort while everyone else chases their dreams and explores their interests. And I’ve been happy to play that role, truly. But lately, I’ve started to wonder what it would be like to do something just for me. It’s taken a while to shake the idea that doing so would be “selfish,” but this class feels like a small step in that direction.

I’ve always wanted to learn how to draw. Not because I have some grand plan to be the next Picasso—trust me, I don’t. It’s just something I’ve always thought would be fun to do. That said, I’m horrendous at it right now. Any game that involves drawing—Pictionary, Telestrations—has me practically breaking out in a sweat. My stick figures look like they’re having a bad day. But I’m not signing up to become amazing; I’m signing up to give myself permission to be a beginner.

At first, I thought about teaching myself at home. A sketchpad, some pencils, and YouTube tutorials—it would’ve been cheaper and easier to fit into my schedule. But then I realized the bigger appeal of an in-person class: it gets me out of the house. For someone who works from home, exercises in a garage gym, and generally spends a lot of time in his own bubble, the idea of walking into a classroom full of strangers felt oddly… exciting. And maybe a little intimidating, too.

The class starts in a couple of weeks, but I’m already equipped with everything I need, thanks to my oldest daughter. When she asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I saw an opportunity. I sent her a list of the required class supplies—a sketchpad, graphite and charcoal pencils, erasers, and a sharpener. On Christmas morning, I unwrapped the whole set, and there it was: my not-so-subtle push to stop procrastinating, get comfortable with being uncomfortable, and sign up for the class.

Those supplies sat on my desk for a week, almost daring me to take the next step. Yesterday, I finally did it. I logged onto the college’s website, created an account, and hit “register.” It felt like crossing some invisible line—one where I could say, “Yeah, this is for me.”

So here I am, about to try something new at 54 years of age, and I’m equal parts nervous and excited. I don’t know if I’ll be any good at drawing, and honestly, I don’t care. What matters to me is that I’m doing something I’ve always wanted to do, and I’m doing it for no other reason than it makes me happy. That feels pretty good.

Wrapping up 2024

A significant theme of 2024 was my health and its negative impact on my daily quality of life. Reviewing my personal journal, I estimate that 25-30% of the year was spent feeling unwell, unable to pursue the activities or lifestyle I prefer. After 15 years of living with a chronic disease, the greatest challenge remains the mental and emotional toll of not being able to live the way I truly desire. Because of this, I will continue to make my health a focus in the year ahead. Specifically, and despite the fact I’m already very proactive about optimizing my well-being, my focus for the year ahead will be ensuring I sleep and rest better. I’ve only been getting between 4-6 hours of sleep each night and I’d like to bump this up to 6-8. If there is one success metric I will track in the year ahead, this is one of them.

Despite my health challenges, I was fortunate to still enjoy some experiences and memorable moments throughout the year. Things like attending Seattle Kraken games with the family, getting dressed up for the Kentucky Derby and heading to our local racetrack with a group of friends, a trip to Hawaii, and some great hikes and kayak trips.

I also enjoyed cheering my kids on and celebrating some of their milestones and accomplishments this year. My youngest graduated from high school, started her first job and is taking classes at the local college. My oldest daughter (our middle child) decided that she wants to pursue becoming a firefighter and has pursued it with passion, successfully passing her physical and written tests and in the thick of interviews. My oldest is about to finish up his two-year transfer degree while also working part-time and is spending his winter break submitting applications to universities. It’s exciting to see them all establishing some momentum as they head into a new year.

I didn’t make as much time for reading this year as I would have liked. I ended up reading about twenty books total but the few that stand out include:

I didn’t watch many movies this year but I did enjoy a few series on streaming. In particular, I enjoyed:

One thing for sure is that the older I get the faster time seems to pass. I hope to take some time tomorrow to reflect on the year ahead but for now I need to muster enough energy to make an appearance at a NYE party so that I’m not always “that guy” who never feels well enough to join in. Not sure how late I’ll stay but I’m committed to at least show up.

Happy New Year! 🥳🥂

Clear, Concise, and Succinct: Lessons from Churchill and Ogilvy

A couple of years ago, I received feedback from senior leadership that I could improve by being more concise in my presentations and communication with senior executives. Since then, this has been a focus in my personal and professional development.

Over the past week, I came across two distinct pieces of writing—one by Winston Churchill on the value of brevity in communication, and the other by David Ogilvy offering practical tips on writing effectively. Despite being written for different contexts, both emphasize the power of clear, concise communication.

Churchill and Ogilvy reinforce the idea that effective writing is not just about what is said, but how efficiently and clearly it is communicated. Brevity is a strategic tool, especially for leaders, where time is scarce and clarity drives decisions and actions.

Brevity and being succinct are skills I’m still working on, and like any skill, they only improve with ongoing practice and thoughtful feedback. That’s also one of the reasons I’m slowly establishing a more regular habit of writing and blogging—to sharpen my communication and continue improving over time.

Weeknotes: September 30 - October 5, 2024

Earlier this year, I started creating weeknotes and posting them in my private Day One journal using a template I put together. While I’m not quite ready to share the full notes publicly, I thought I’d start posting a few highlights here—nothing too personal, just a snapshot of the media I consumed over the past week and a quote I’ve been reflecting on. The other sections of my weeknotes dive into work and personal life, and I’m still figuring out how to share those parts in a way that feels both “safe” and compelling.

I’ve been under the weather lately, so this week involved a bit more TV than usual. The quote comes from a book that’s been sitting on my shelf for almost five years since I first got it as a gift. But hey, better late than never, right? So, here’s a sneak peek into my weeknotes.

##What I’m Reading/Watching/Listening To

##Quote of the Week

“For many, the big choices in life often aren’t really choices; they are quicksand. You just sink into the place you happen to be standing.” - The Second Mountain by David Brooks

All the more reason to be careful (and intentional) about where you stand.

Hidden Potential: Prologue

Although I just started reading the book Hidden Potential by Adam Grant 📚, I wanted to start summarizing the notes and key points I’ve captured as I’ve attempted to actively read through the content. My hope is that it will aid in my retention of the material as well as provide a reference for later. Especially since I’m reading this as part of the book club I belong to at work and we’ll be discussing it when we meet in a couple months.

Here’s a closer look at some of the key insights I noted in the prologue:

  1. Redefining Potential: Grant challenges the conventional notion of potential, asserting that it transcends initial capabilities. He asserts that everyone has hidden potential. The key is to unlock it. Grant referenced a landmark study where the lead psychologist concluded, “What any person in the world can learn, almost all persons can learn, if provided with appropriate… conditions of learning.“

  2. Aspiration over Ambition: The distinction between ambition and aspiration emerges as a focal point. Grant underscores the significance of aspiring to become a certain type of person rather than merely achieving specific goals, shifting the focus from short-term accomplishments to long-term personal growth.

  3. The Evolution of Character: Grant argues that character, far from being static, is a set of learned capacities that enable individuals to live by their principles. As the Nobel laureate economist James Heckman concluded, character skills “predict and produce success in life.“

  4. Scaffolding for Growth: The concept of scaffolding serves as a metaphorical framework for facilitating learning and development. Grant illustrates how providing initial support and gradually transferring responsibility to the learner fosters autonomy and self-directed growth, akin to the process of constructing a sturdy edifice.

  5. Collective Empowerment: Through the example of the Raging Rooks chess team, Grant illuminates the potency of collective intelligence. He advocates for a collaborative approach where individuals aim not to be the smartest in the room but to elevate the collective intelligence.

  6. Measuring True Potential: Grant redefines the yardstick for assessing potential, positing that true potential is not gauged solely by peak achievements but by the journey and growth undertaken to attain them. This perspective reframes success as a continuous process of self-improvement and resilience.

Although just the prologue, I’m already hooked by Grant’s use of data, research, and story to drive home his points. I’m really looking forward to the chapters ahead.

Yearning for Video Store Vibes in a Streaming World

I had the most random thought run through my mind tonight and I’m still not really sure what prompted it. It might have been on my walk to the mailbox and something triggered the memory of “back in the day” when I would make the trip to the mailbox for the Netflix DVDs that would arrive as part of my subscription. This, in turn, caused me to think about how the dependence on physical media (either DVDs delivered in the mail by Netflix or picked up from a local Redbox) has been made obsolete by the availability of streaming services.

What’s strange is that I found myself yearning for the ritual of visiting my neighborhood video store, leisurely wandering through the aisles, and selecting a movie for the night. It’s a sentiment that contradicts my overarching preference for the convenience and accessibility offered by streaming services. However, in all honesty, my quest for something to stream often entails scrolling through an overwhelming array of options that fail to capture my interest. More often than not, I end up settling for a familiar movie I’ve seen before or reluctantly paying for a rental that isn’t covered by my subscription. And, if I’m honest, there’s something about the ritual involved with physically visiting a video store and tangibly engaging with DVD cases.

I’m willing to acknowledge that this desire to ritual is probably most closely associated with something I’ve mentioned before. As someone who works (and works out) at home, I think I’m essentially craving excuses and opportunities to leave my home and engage in community and interact with flesh and blood outside of my own home.

Learning to dance with a limp

I spent some time reflecting on last week’s sentencing hearing. Throughout the three hours in the courtroom, the judge maintained a stoic demeanor, silently listening. However, towards the end, after delivering sentences to the two defendants who took my sister-in-law’s life, the judge shared some words of comfort with our family. She acknowledged a painful truth – that we don’t have a “justice” system capable of bringing Lori back to life. Instead, we operate within a “legal” system that simply guides her decision on the duration of the defendants’ imprisonment.

In a poignant moment, the judge directly addressed my young daughter, who earlier had bravely expressed the impact of her aunt’s murder. The judge wanted her to understand that, despite the tragedy, the court also plays a role in happier events like adoptions and marriages. (Ironically, as we left the court that evening and stepped off the first-floor elevator, a large wedding party in the foyer was capturing joyful moments.)

The judge then shared a quote attributed to Anne Lamott:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken. The bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

In the context of the hearing (both through some of the victim impact statements as well as photos of Lori) the judge picked up on the fact that Lori enjoyed dancing. Lori was known for spontaneous dance parties, using them as a vehicle to express her joy. The judge encouraged us to honor Lori by learning to dance with a limp – acknowledging our wounds, feeling the pain, and adapting our moves. Even if it’s not the same, she urged us to keep dancing.

The truth is, living on this earth brings inevitable limps – physical, emotional, or spiritual. Most of us are already walking with a limp; I certainly am. Yet, I realize the need to dance more. To actively seek joy in every moment and, when it seems elusive, to strive to create it—for myself and others. And when I do, perhaps, just perhaps, I need to dance and think of Lori.

The loneliness of convenience

When the pandemic took hold in March 2020 and we were all locked-down into a "shelter in place" mode, I did what many other people did. No, I didn't purchase a Peloton. But I did invest in establishing the foundation of a garage gym. At the time, the only piece of exercise equipment was a treadmill and a TRX system. During the initial months of the pandemic, I added a rack, barbell, plates, bench, dumbbells and some padded flooring tiles.

Over the past two and a half years, I've enjoyed the convenience of being able to step into my garage and get a good workout in without the barriers of driving to the health club, waiting my turn for a machine, or feeling judged for my relative inexperience or lack of strength.

However, the cost of that convenience has started to add up and it feels like only recently that I've become aware of the actual price I've paid. The cost I'm talking about is not the dollars and cents. I've already added up my total expenses for purchasing the equipment as well as calculated what I've saved in monthly membership dues. And, I'm happy to report that the payback period on my home gym investment has already been reached. But there is another cost that, for whatever reason, I never anticipated. I'm lonely.

Perhaps I would feel differently if I was still commuting to an office building everyday and working shoulder-to-shoulder with my coworkers. But, given that I've spent the past 2.5-years working from home, I've started noticing that my walk into the garage to start my workout no longer feels convenient but rather, isolating.

There was a time I perceived the effort to get ready and commute to the gym as a barrier to working out. Now I feel as though it would be a welcomed ritual. To go somewhere else, outside my home where I now spend what feels like 90% of my time, and be around other people. Maybe it's taken me longer than others (I am an introvert, after all) but I'm really starting to feel the effects of being in the same physical space for so much of my day, every day.

I don't think this feeling is about where or when I work out. I think the home gym is simply the context where I first took note of these feelings. I think what I'm missing is what at one time would have been referred to as a "third place". But for me, working and working out at home has left me without even having a second place. And, if the cost of having that place is an extra $50-100 per month, I'm starting to feel like it might be worth the investment.